Health Insurance, The Game

On my way home from substitute teaching today, where I worked educating your children for less than minimum wage but still managed to make enough that my unemployment will be docked, I got a phone call from a friend who wanted to share a story about her health insurance. This is a bonding experience I share often with many friends. Every new story seems to top any previous ones. If you do not know how to play this game you either don't have health insurance or work for a health insurance provider (in which case you have different stories to tell).

In any case let me explain how this is played. It's kind of like the game "BS" played with cards, where in turn players lay cards face down and tell you what cards they are, like 5 aces. The other players, if they don't believe the cards are 5 aces, will say "BS." Then the dropout who said it was 5 aces from 1 deck has to show the cards and take all the cards previously laid down in the pile, which explains why he was desperately trying to get rid of his huge hand of cards by laying down 3 cards and saying it was 5 aces. In "HI" (Health Insurance) as we like to call it, one person relates a "true" story to another person about an experience he or she had with a health insurance company. The listener can, at any time, just call "HI" on the storyteller, if the story is too unbelievable.

Here is today's story. You decide - "HI" or not.

My friend had a single mastectomy many years ago. She wears undergarments with a prosthesis to make her look normal. It is time for a new one, and because she needs authorization for that she called her health insurance provider who, by the way, is a large HMO that has been around for a long time. She got the authorization and took it to a major department store that provides these prostheses where the sales person suggested that she should also get some new bras. I know what you're thinking, and no, those don't automatically come with the prostheses. My friend ordered the prosthesis, then went home and called the health insurance provider to find out about getting some special bras.

Here is how the conversation went between my friend, hereafter known as "Friend" and the HI customer service representative, hereafter known as "Cus."

Friend: "Here is my insurance number, social security number, phone number, shoe size, and tooth number that last had a cavity filled."
Cus: "Can you verify your address?"
Friend: "Yes."
Cus: "Go ahead."
Friend: "Go ahead with what?"
Cus: "Please verify your address."
Friend: "Okay. It is 123 Higher Education Lane, University Town, USA."
Cus, sounding surprised: "Right!"

It went on like this for some time, my friend completely doing her income taxes, applying for medical school and reading the Wall Street Journal while the conversation went on.

Cus: "Now that we have verified your information since birth, how can I help you today?"
Friend: "I have an authorization for a new prosthesis. Does it include authorization for the special bras that go with it?"
Cus: "One moment.... I will put you on hold. Okay?"
Musak plays. It's The New York Symphony playing ZZ Top.
Friend: "No, I.. oh well."
Cus: "Thank you for holding. I see right here that you are authorized for two prothesises."
Friend: "I only need one prosthesis, which is authorized already. What I need to know is if any bras have been authorized."
Cus: "Hmm. Let me check again. I'll put you on hold for a moment."
Musak plays. Strings, heavy on the cello, playing "She's got legs... She knows how to use them."
Cus: "Thanks again for holding. I see authorization for 2 prosthesises."
Friend: "There is no such that as 2 prosthesises. It would be 2 prostheses, but I don't NEED 2 prostheses. Do you know what a prosthesis is?"
Cus: "I thought it was the bra you asked about."
Friend: "You should know what these medical terms mean. You do work for Emperor Health Mismanagement Organization, don't you?"
Cus: "I think so."
Friend: "Are you in India?"
Cus: "No, West Virginia."
Friend: "Even worse. Let me explain in terms you might understand. My prosthesis is the fake boob you put into the special bra. I only need one of those, and that's authorized. Now I need to know if the special bras have been authorized."
Cus: "I don't know."
Friend: "Would you please find out about my authorizations and call me back, today? You have all my contact information."
Cus: "What's your phone number?"
Friend: click

What do you think? HI or true? I'm thinking true, especially the bad grammar. There is no way my friend could have made that up, even if she tried.

Logically my mind went to how this whole scenario relates to me. I'm unemployed. I speak good English. I have had a fair, no an abundance, of experience with health insurance. Maybe I could be an HI customer service rep. "BS", my friend said. "Too many aces."