My Share of Nothing

Yesterday while I was trying to peacefully blog about Adventures in Health Insurance, I got a phone call from a job recruiter. She said she just got my resume through an online job submission. When she said she "just got" my resume she wasn't kidding since I had only sent it right before I started the blog I was working on. The funny thing is that I sent in that resume as part of an application for 1 of 4 jobs posted by the recruiting firm, with a cover letter saying I realized my credentials didn't fully meet the requirements of any of the 4 jobs, but partially met the requirements of all of the 4 jobs, so please take a look and see if there was some way to fit me into a job. She called to say she had a totally different job for me to consider.

As she started talking I realized I knew the job she was presenting, so I stopped her.

"Is this the job to change useless reports from one old technology into useless reports in another old technology, and supposed to last about 6 months?" I asked.

"Why yes it is, but how could you so quickly identify this job of drudgery from all others?" she wanted to know.

It's a skill I developed over too many years of, yes, jobs of drudgery. And bad news travels fast.

I had heard about this position in February from a different recruiter, but never even got interviewed for it. Turns out that the fellow who did get this particular employment was only there about a month and then let go. He was not a good fit, I was told. Was his cubicle too small? Didn't he like sci-fi movies? Whatever the problem it had created a job opening where Ms. Recruiter thought I might do well since I am a short person. We talked. I really liked her down to earth personality, and she said she would send my resume to the hiring company with the tiny cubicles.

A very short while later she called to say that the hiring company with the tiny cubicles, let's call it cubita corp, had some questions for all applicants to answer. She emailed them to me. I scratched my head. Here are the actual questions and answers:

Q. Please have your candidate provide a 1 paragraph of what they have done with Access
A. My ACCESS experience has been mostly in importing its data into SQL Server and building reports from there, either from scratch in C# or in Reporting Services. I have written queries and made forms in ACCESS. I have analyzed and converted ACCESS forms.

Q. Have they built applications in Access?
A. No

Q. Are you comfortable using VBA in Access?
A. No

Q. Have they done VBA work before & what did they do with it?
A. No

Q. Do they want an Access Development contract?
A. For ongoing ACCESS development probably not. For transitioning to newer technologies, yes.

I wouldn't hire me after reading that, size 6 shoes or not. I sent the Q&A back to the nice lady, and said I would understand if the cubie didn't fit after all.

Very soon after that, so soon I still hadn't had time to finish my blog which is way more important that finding a job, I got a call from a different recruiter, let's call him Mr. Recruiter, to whom I had talked in February about this very position.

Mr. Recruiter is my best friend. He has the voice of a game show announcer. He has the perfect job for me. He can throw in a set of Ginsu knives to sweeten the deal. But wait, there's more! Today only all applicants receive, free of charge, a resume restructuring kit guaranteed to highlight only the relevant items that any given employer wants to see. But I must act now. These resume restructuring kits are not available from stores or any other recruiters, so hurry to accept this offer now before all the erasers with his logo are gone!

Poor guy. He did not react well the the news that I was already in the queue for this job through another recruiter. Didn't I understand that he had created the professional relationship agreement with me last February by soliciting my resume and submitting it to the inquiring organization? Umm... It must be apparent that his implied contract to represent me preceded any more recent interaction with additional parties whereunto the aforenamed company sought redress from absence of malicious slander in the form of cubiculus absentium. I felt like singing God Save The Queen!

I said "Bob," that was his name, "Bob, I don't know how all this recruiting stuff works but I haven't agreed to do anything for anyone, so you guys work it out. And by the way, I don't have the qualifications for the job, so you can untwist your panties." I didn't really say that last part, just the second to last part (Paragraph 1, Section C, Clause 2). I did say I would ask Ms. Recruiter if she had really, truly submitted my resume today, and call him in the morning.

Apparently he was just too excited to wait for my call. He called me at 8AM speaking more Latin, said something about popping into a meeting for tea and ringing me up later. I turned off my phone. Ms. Recruiter had submitted my resume already, and said Mr. Recruiter, Solicitor, worked for an aggressive firm. But she, not he, had secured me an interview for this very afternoon. When I got there I was interviewed by two guys. One guy had my information with Mr. Recruiter's logo on it, and the other had my information with Ms. Recruiter's logo on it. The interviewers were great, the job actually sounded very good, and it's very close to my home. That, of course, is the kiss of death to my hopes of getting the job.

Ever see the comic called Real Life? Somehow the writer managed to take my everyday boring life and get paid for it. Our family favorite is of some kid saying to his parent "Cut out of the will? Oooo. I won't get my share of nothing!"

That's what these recruiters were worried about. As you can see, I still have plenty of time to blog.