Teachin' English

Welcome, students. I'm Mrs. Johnson, your substitute teacher in seventh grade English class today. I am qualified to be your substitute today because I graduated from High School.

Your regular teacher, Mrs. Smith, left a lesson plan for us. To begin, you are supposed to do an exercise called "Using Proper Words." For example, I see the digital projector on the ceiling but Mrs. Smith prefers to have this assignment on an overhead projector sheet. The proper words for that are "set in her ways." That is a rather a colloquial phrase referring to someone who does not like to change the way she does things. "Colloquial" is an adjective used to describe a word or phrase we say which might not translate exactly to what we mean. Write that down: c-o-l-l-o-q-u-i-a-l.

Yes, Kaleigh? That word is not on your list for this week? That's okay. I don't need a list to teach this topic. I have been compiling a mental list for years. And we ARE supposed to be discussing adjectives, so this is perfectly within the lesson plan. It is extra credit.

Please number your papers from 1 - 5. In each sentence on the overhead you need to identify the adjective, the word it modifies, and any spelling or grammatical errors. Sentence one says "This school festival will be the funest ever given by the PTA." Hmm. I am not sure what you should write if there is no proper adjective. Is a "word" misspelled if it is not really a word? Perhaps we will skip sentence #1.

"What are you talking about, Mrs. Johnson?" asked K'Lee. "Is PTA not a word?"

So I explained the word "fun" was conjugated incorrectly here. One bright student, obviously from out of state, blurted out "It should be fun, more fun, most fun, right?" Immediately he became my favorite student. I went on to explain that "funner" or "funnest" in any spelled form is not a word, not found in dictionaries, and not used by anyone who expected to successfully chat online with foreigners while playing video games. They are not in online dictionaries except for www.merriam-webster.com, which calls it an inflected form of the word fun. Write down "inflected" as your next adjective, I told them. The students were speechless. Incredulous. They had no idea those fun words were colloquialisms which readily identified them with their region of residence, nor what "inflected" meant, nor that the PTA had actually sent out a flyer with that very phrase on it.

"I say those words all the time. Everybody does." protested Caylee. Yes, I know.

The second sentence on the overhead sheet says "The school and the library was on the same side of the shady street."

"What are the adjectives here and are there any problems with this sentance," I asked the students. Yes, "shady" is the adjective, and "street" is the word it modifies. What else?

Kaylea offered "Maybe the school and the library are not on the same side of the street. Maybe they are on opposite sides." I'm sorry Kaylea, but that would be a geographical error, not spelling or grammatical. Any one else want to take a wild guess?

"The school and the library 'were'...?" offered Cayli, timidly. Ding Ding Ding! Right! Very good! For those of you still pondering this, when you have more than 1 noun, or a plural noun, in a sentence you use "were" not "was." We was never going anywhere, but we were going to stay after school for tutoring. Understand? The school and the library "were" on the same side of the street to facilitate education which apparently was a good idea in theory only.

Let's just move on to your spelling test. Please have only one sheet of paper and one pen or pencil on your desk. This is test #28 and there are ten words. Your teacher left me a paper with the words and a sentence to read for each word. Ready? Wait. Kaeli, please put your notebook on the floor. Kalie, your books need to be off your desk. Those are Calye's books? Well they still need to be off your desk. I think we are ready now. Please write your name, your full name, and the date at the top of your paper.

The first word is "terrace." "The terrace hit the World Trade Centers." What? That sounds wrong. How about "The terrace is like a patio in the garden."

Next, "accompany." "Chaelea asked her mother to accompany her on her date." Chaelea, did you really do that? You don't know what "accompany" means? In this sentence it means torture. Was the date near the terrace?

The third word is "dairy." "Do not confuse "dairy" with "diary." Wait a minute.... The spelling word is definitely "dairy." And the next word is "definitely." "These words are definitely confusing." Almost as confusing as having all the girls in this class named the same name. I would hate to have a spelling test on your names. Why did your parents all spell your names so, mmm, uniquely?

"My mom says she wanted my name to be special just for me," said Quai Li. So, the thinking was to name you the same as every other girl born that year but spell it obscurely so no one knows how to pronounce it? How's that working out for you?

Aren't you boys glad your parents didn't do that to you Kayden, Kaden, Kaeden, Kadyn and Kaydn?

What's that, Kadan? No I am not a real teacher. Do you think I should be? Kadan?